EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Dirk pulls into a parking space, posing as he comes to a full stop.
Looking around him quickly, he gets out of the car bare-assed and runs around to the trunk. He pulls out a pair of cotton long-johns and a tank-top, pulling them on.
As he turns around, TWO PASSERSBY stare at him. He smiles, embarrased, then reverts back to sexy mode when he notices his reflection. The female passerby is appalled. He
checks himself out, and quite satisfied, he proceeds forth.
He walks down the street like a model on a runway. He runs his hand through his hair and pouts his lips. Every move is deliberate. The action is SLOW, and the MUSIC
sets the tone. He takes his time walking, embracing all his arogance as he does so. At this moment, he is sure he is God's gift.
As he rounds the corner to enter the building, he flashes his best smile. Just as he couldn't possibly get any cockier, he steps in a pile of DOG SHIT. SPLAT. His
expression goes sour. He stumbles back against the wall. A SIGN reads, "Wet Paint." He walks inside with his butt covered in paint, unbeknownst to him.
EXT. OFFICE DOOR - DAY
It reads "Dirk Diamond, Private Dick."
INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY
Dirk is now in jeans and shirtless. He scrubs his clothes vehemently. He is now exasperated. But, when he catches a reflection of his tricep muscle in the mirror, he
becomes enticed.
Before we know it, he is admiring himself. He strikes several poses, meant to be sexy. Pulling out his gun, he gets even more into it. He tries many new poses, before
becoming fixated on his ass. As he swivels and gyrates,
SPHINX BROWN bursts in, wearing her burgundy velvet suit. She is decked out - sexy and tough. She is like Heather Locklear meets Pam Grier meets Dark Angel - no nonsense
and hot.
SPHINX
Are you the knucklehead who runs this joint?
Dirk nearly jumps out of his skin. Noticing her reflection, he whips his head around, and his eyes nearly burst out of his sockets.
DIRK
(trying to be suave)
Are you my . . . wet dream come true?
SPHINX
More like a nightmare you can't awaken from.
DIRK
(outstretching his hand - smiling big)
Dirk Diamond, Private Dick. Pleasure to meet your -
SPHINX
(ignoring his hand)
The pleasure may quickly turn to pain if you don't stop staring at my cleavage. Now zip it, before I have to get brazen. The title is Sphinx Brown, International Spy
and . . . occasional Assassin. Take my card. Have you any imperative questions before I take over this lost cause you call an office?
Sphinx attempts to walk out, but is stopped in her tracks by Dirk's retort.
DIRK
Gloria Steinem all the way, babe, but, uh, pardone?
Sphinx yawns.
DIRK
I see. Well, Slinky, in lieu of our pending . . . negotiations, there is indeed one thing I must know. . . Will you be wearing these kinds of outfits on a regular
basis?
SPHINX
Cool it, dud. Oh, I meant stud. You obviously have no idea who you're trifling with. This . . .
(displaying her whole physique)
. . . is Sphinx Brown, the one and, thank God, only. I have inherited half of your little detective agency and shall be claiming my rightful place in the leadership
thereof.
DIRK
(encircling her)
Aren't we a feisty one, my luscious little lynx? Reveal thyself and your true intentions with me.
Dirk whips her around to face him, licking his lips. Sphinx looks him up and down.
SPHINX
I don't know who told you you were Don Johnson, but somebody's gonna have to help you with this identity crisis thing.
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
DIRK
(following her)
OK, Miss Dark Angel meets Melrose Place.
SPHINX
(ignoring him)
Let me spell it out clearly for you, numbnuts. Your ex-partner - the one who's six feet under - I'm his ex, alive and well and ready to avenge.
DIRK
(getting turned on)
My oh my, you little minx!
Dirk steps in her tracks and confronts her, thus shifting the power.
DIRK
Too bad your ex must have failed to mention one little fact. Like he was bankrupt. Therefore, your place here would be as an employee . . . Can you type?
Sphinx smacks him clear across the face. He rubs his jaw, speechless, as she runs it down.
SPHINX
Don't make me smack you around, little Dick. We wouldn't want to disfigure that pretty face. You plan to keep breathing, pretty boy? Open your ears and shut that
landfill between your lips. I've already done my homework on your pathetic excuse for an existence. So sorry, but you lose. You're probably used to that by now.
Sphinx turns on her heel, walking away. Fuming, Dirk stomps after her.
DIRK
You little -
SPHINX
I know where you sleep. I know who you're sleeping with, inanimate or not. So, if you don't need the Mrs. finding inspiration in the Lorena Bobbitt Book of Revelations, you
will comply with my rules and regulations.
DIRK
Why, you're every bit as ruthless as that so-called ex-man of yours . . . I like that in a woman.